nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
