I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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