apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
where are you?
Hypothermia
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
