The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
