i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
