You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
