I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
