Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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