A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
