the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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