my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
