also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
