No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
pop tarts are not kleenex
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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