Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
