the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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