dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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