Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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