careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
