Plan B is the new Plan A
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
