I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
