I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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