All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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