Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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