You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
