i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
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