I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
