I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She said her name was "party"
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
