I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
