The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
