I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It was like giving head to a cactus.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
