I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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