R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
