Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
