i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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