i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
