and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
