chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
