Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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