I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
