I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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