Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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