I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
