You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
