You're a womanizer and a bitch.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
