my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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