I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
