Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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