I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
