If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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