and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
