It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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