I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
