Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize