If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
