i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
